[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
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I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Home is where your toilet is.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator