Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
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When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
That’s fair
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
greetings!
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.