A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
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It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Bless you
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.