Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
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Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Phones down.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.