sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
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[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.