Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
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Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
yall want some gasoline milk
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”