the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
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Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit