My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
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Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no