[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
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Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Nomnomnomnom
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
never compromise your values
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.