WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
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ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Important reminders
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese