like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
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I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’