87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
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Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.