My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
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Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.