No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
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I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Cheers Twitter.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.