What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
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Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
That’s not how days work.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.