Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
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As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
The Wolf of Wall Street.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….