After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
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I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Did I do this right
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.