[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
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Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree