Zack Greinke stories are the best
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*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Spa day..😅
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.