I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
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People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space