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Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.