“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
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[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.