Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
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Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*