I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
You Might Also Like
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Where is your GOD now????