Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
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If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.