Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
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Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
My what?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.