My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
You Might Also Like
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving