Noted.
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“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry