I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
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My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”