Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
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Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
i actually laughed 😩
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?