Dune (2021)
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what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
this has done me in for some reason
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.