The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
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Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy