I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
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Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
work smarter, not harder
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot