It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
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Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I cannot call her anything else now
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.