Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
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I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.