I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
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“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
thank god the sign was there
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?