an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
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Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Brother?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
North and South
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.