“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
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I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*