mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
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You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?