I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
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interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Xylophonist Shredding It
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Single and childfree like Jesus