I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
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Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.