Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
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[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
This probably isn’t good