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My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time