Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
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Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.