You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
You Might Also Like
Sorry I made promises on Friday
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake