Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
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Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Waiting for the Charmin
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
An odd boast
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”