My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
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[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Blew my mind.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Me, in DM rooms…
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too