I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
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I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?