The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
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As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
🙁
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Boy never ceases to amaze me
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.