A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
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USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA